The Novel-less Novelist: May 2008

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

I remember the beginning of the end, back before I knew that it would end, back when I still thought that he and I were inevitable, inseparable, back when I still believed in happy endings and that tough times would only make us stronger, back when I believed that it all meant something, back when I still believed.

I wish I had the grace, the easy nobility that allows people to want happiness for others, even at their own expense.

I wish I could say my own happiness wasn't still occasionally tainted with thoughts of what should have been.

I wish I was as unruffled as I pretend to be.

I wish I could go back six months and curl up beside my fetal-positioned self, the one so badly in need of a confidante, stroke the hair of a girl I would barely recognize as myself as she cried herself to sleep in unfamiliar surroundings.

I wish I could skip ahead six months and whisper in my own ear as I dance in someone else's arms that it's not so scary, that the past doesn't necessarily repeat itself, that this guy shouldn't pay for someone else's mistakes, that forever is still possible.

I wish I could convince myself right this very moment that everything is going to turn out okay, that I haven't missed my only chance, that good gets better, that I do deserve the things I once imagined for myself, that I shouldn't disbelieve.

I wish that I didn't wish, in a tiny corner of my heart, that he has regrets.

I wish I wasn't so disappointed in him. I wish the good times weren't obscured by the bad, and that he had been more worthy, and that I didn't have to think of him as a mistake.

I wish that I wasn't so overwhelmed by my own striking ability to move on. I wish I wasn't so surprised at how quickly I forgot his voice, how easily I went to bed with someone else, how much I've grown and changed and laughed and lived.

I wish I didn't at moments feel guilty for having abandoned vows that I truly meant with all my heart, for giving up on dreams we shared, for turning my back on a future so lovingly mapped-out, for waking up this morning with a smile on my lips and a heart unshadowed by sadness.

I wish I could forget, at least a little.

I hope I can forgive, at least with time.

I believe that life is different, but good;
that I bent but didn't break;
that he was my first love, but not my only;
that he was good but not good enough;
that I am strong and getting stronger;
that there are always better days ahead;
that dancing cures a lot of ills;
that good friends are indispensable;
that bruised hearts will heal;
that tears dry up;
that life is beautiful, and so am I.