Saturday, May 10, 2008

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

I remember the beginning of the end, back before I knew that it would end, back when I still thought that he and I were inevitable, inseparable, back when I still believed in happy endings and that tough times would only make us stronger, back when I believed that it all meant something, back when I still believed.


I wish I had the grace, the easy nobility that allows people to want happiness for others, even at their own expense.

I wish I could say my own happiness wasn't still occasionally tainted with thoughts of what should have been.

I wish I was as unruffled as I pretend to be.

I wish I could go back six months and curl up beside my fetal-positioned self, the one so badly in need of a confidante, stroke the hair of a girl I would barely recognize as myself as she cried herself to sleep in unfamiliar surroundings.

I wish I could skip ahead six months and whisper in my own ear as I dance in someone else's arms that it's not so scary, that the past doesn't necessarily repeat itself, that this guy shouldn't pay for someone else's mistakes, that forever is still possible.

I wish I could convince myself right this very moment that everything is going to turn out okay, that I haven't missed my only chance, that good gets better, that I do deserve the things I once imagined for myself, that I shouldn't disbelieve.

I wish that I didn't wish, in a tiny corner of my heart, that he has regrets.

I wish I wasn't so disappointed in him. I wish the good times weren't obscured by the bad, and that he had been more worthy, and that I didn't have to think of him as a mistake.

I wish that I wasn't so overwhelmed by my own striking ability to move on. I wish I wasn't so surprised at how quickly I forgot his voice, how easily I went to bed with someone else, how much I've grown and changed and laughed and lived.

I wish I didn't at moments feel guilty for having abandoned vows that I truly meant with all my heart, for giving up on dreams we shared, for turning my back on a future so lovingly mapped-out, for waking up this morning with a smile on my lips and a heart unshadowed by sadness.

I wish I could forget, at least a little.

I hope I can forgive, at least with time.

I believe that life is different, but good;
that I bent but didn't break;
that he was my first love, but not my only;
that he was good but not good enough;
that I am strong and getting stronger;
that there are always better days ahead;
that dancing cures a lot of ills;
that good friends are indispensable;
that bruised hearts will heal;
that tears dry up;
that life is beautiful, and so am I.

16 Comments:

At 6:06 PM, Blogger Tug said...

I couldn't have said it better than you said it yourself. It WILL only get better, as you move on, move up, and move along.

You're an awesome person Jay, and deserve only the best - that is what I wish for you.

For me? I wish your other blog had a feed like this one to remind me to check in. ;-)

 
At 4:54 AM, Blogger Karen MEG said...

Jay, this was stunning, just stunning. It brought tears to my eyes, so very powerful.

It sounds like you are moving on very well, please and thank you, but it getting here was obviously so tough.

I hope you eventually won't have any regrets; after all, these experiences add up to who you are today, and as you've so eloquently expressed, you ARE a beautiful you.

 
At 5:54 PM, Blogger BeckyBumbleFuck said...

*sigh*

HUGE HUG.

 
At 7:52 PM, Blogger CA said...

Hi, Novelist. I saw you over at Tweetys' place.
I have a novel! It took me about fifteen years to write it but I finished it a few months ago. It's a lady detective story. Take a look and let me know what you think, but be careful. It's like potato chips; you can't read just one chapter!
A Detective Story

 
At 7:54 PM, Blogger CA said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 7:59 PM, Blogger CA said...

"...I remember the beginning of the end,...stroke the hair of a girl I would barely recognize...that everything is going to turn out okay,..."

Everything will,-it always does.

 
At 8:02 PM, Blogger Chico said...

How tender and touching. Tug is right; "It WILL only get better, as you move on, move up, and move along."

 
At 3:07 AM, Blogger MizMell said...

Your story is a familiar one. We all move on, learn to live and forgive.

Your life is your story. You're working on the next chapter.

 
At 9:29 AM, Blogger Keyword said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 7:44 PM, Blogger Maggie May said...

i saw your were a noveless novelist and that made me laugh! i'm writing my second book but it's taking me so long it might as well not exist. :)

 
At 10:00 PM, Blogger Hapi said...

hello... hapi blogging... have a nice day! just visiting here....

 
At 10:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So, how did you get inside my head? Very timely that I should stumble on your blog and read this entry with tears rolling down my cheeks. Thanks!

 
At 12:37 AM, Blogger Ranger Tom said...

I've been right where you are...

The pain is horrible.

It does get better.

It really does.

 
At 2:05 PM, Blogger Oh great One said...

I didn't even know about this blog lady! You ARE beautiful and so is this post.

 
At 4:34 PM, Blogger A. Secret said...

Wow! That about sums it up. And very nicely. I want to frame it and be able to look back on it from time to time. Beautiful.
XX

 
At 3:32 PM, Blogger Lorna said...

My dear Miss J
every day when I look at my blogroll, I am saddened not to see a new book review or get a kick from the goat. I'd forgotten your novelist blog, and pleased to see that you're still writing. As I read the posts, I was still in she's-a-novelist mode, but with the comments I'm seeing, it makes me fear that this is a more autobiographical post than I thought.

As always, your writing is emotionally stunning, and beautifully crafted. I hope it's fiction.

 

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